Hey Ref! Manners, manners

It's soccer season again for us.  I'm pushing to get on the next rung of refereeing, and the boys have both qualified as refs, so there are lots of changes for us.

Below the fold is a conversation that I wish I could have before every match -- laying out what the expectations are.  Sadly, we don't have time and a lot of people just don't get it.

 

“Hello? Yes, could everyone please take a seat? This won’t take too long, but we can take the time to be comfortable!”

“Good morning! I’m Art and I’ll be your ref for today’s match. Since we have a few extra minutes today, I thought I’d take the time to go over a few things before we start. Nothing too heavy! I just want to be clear about our expectations for the game today. Feel free to ask questions while we go along.”

“We’ve all got jobs to do today and it’s a good idea to make sure we know what our different jobs are. We like to keep things simple: Players are here to play and have fun doing it; coaches are here to coach (and have fun, too, I hope!) Parents and family are here to cheer and have fun. My job is to keep all of this going, and make it Safe, Fun and Fair for everyone. If we can stick to those jobs, we should have a great time, win or lose. Any questions?”

“Yes, coach? Does that mean that you can’t protest a call? Yes, it does. It can get out of hand quickly and that sets a bad example for the players. If there’s a question about a call, your captain is free to ask me about it – if I have the chance, I’ll answer, but I can’t guarantee that, because I’ve got to keep the game moving. You’re welcome to ask me about things after the match and I’ll do my best to answer, if I have the time and if you ask in a reasonable way. If you still have issues with my work, or even if you think that I’m the greatest ref you’ve ever had, I have some feedback forms that you can fill out and submit to your division commissioner. We take all of the comments seriously and use them to guide our referee development.”

“No, coach, you don’t need to protest to ‘show your players that you’ve got their backs.’ The way to gain their respect is to model the behavior that we want them to show, not emulate their own behavior. A 9yo whines and complains about a call – an adult faces problems with maturity.”

“I’m sorry ma’am, but you can’t give your kid advice during the game. I know how tempting it can be – I’ve been a soccer parent myself. There’s only one coach and she’s the only one who can direct the players. Well, her or her assistant. Yup, that’s right there in the Laws of the Game. Don’t worry – if you forget, we’ll remind you.”

“Which reminds me: Please don’t talk to my assistants! They need to keep their focus on the match and won’t respond to you. They’re not being rude – they’re following my directions. The ultimate responsibility for all of the calls is mine, so complaining to them has even less effect than complaining to me. They’re also my sons, so I’m especially protective of them. If you have issues with their performance, tell your coach and coach’ll take them through the right channels.”

“We’re not being rude by not talking to you. We’ve got jobs that take a lot of concentration and just don’t have the time to stop and chat. Whatever you may think, we don’t ‘owe’ you anything, except to call the game to the best of our abilities. We’re not obligated to announce or explain any call, the way they do in American football. One of the beauties of soccer is that we don’t stop every 10 seconds and talk about it.”

“What happens if you don’t stick to your job? I’ll tell you to leave – it’s really very simple. What was that? The Laws don’t give me authority over the fans, only the coaches and players? Well, you’re right technically. Congratulations on reading the Laws, but you might want to work on the interpretation side of things. I’ve got authority over the entire match and can terminate it if I need to. An abusive fan who won’t follow directions to leave comes under that heading. Please, let’s not go there – there’s no good reason for it. Remember that we’re here to have fun.”

“Thank you, that’s a great question – let me repeat it. I was just asked, ‘what can we do to be better coaches and fans?’ Learn the Laws of the Game! I’d guess that 50% of the disagreement that I hear is because someone didn’t understand the rules. There’s a lot of ‘common knowledge’ out there that is flat-out wrong. Other fans and especially TV announcers get things wrong all of the time. My doctor told me that I can’t watch soccer on TV unless I turn the sound off – my blood pressure goes through the roof at every mistake by the announcers.”

“The other 50%? Some is being in the wrong position – contrary to popular believe (among coaches, at least), the best place for calling the game is not on the touch line at the halfway point. Watch how much I move around during the game. That’s so that I can position myself best for every situation. I’ll still end up in the wrong place, on occasion, so yes, I’ll sometimes miss a call because of that. Mostly, though, it’s bias – of course, you want the best for your kids and their team. That colors everybody’s opinions, so it helps if you can discount that.”

“Ask yourself this, the next time you want to blame the ref for a loss: When was the last time you thought ‘wow, that one call by the ref won the match for us’? Never? I thought so. There are thousands of decisions made by the players and the refs in every match – despite the TV commentator’s focus on the ‘big plays,’ a game is never won or lost on a single play. This isn’t Quiddich.”

“What’s going on over there? That man is berating the ref because his son’s match didn’t run the full time – it started late and we’re on a schedule, so they had to take some time off. I hate having a tight schedule like this, but that’s what the commissioners give us. Of course, it would have been nice if the man, who’s now arguing, had helped set up the goals so the match could start on time. I noticed him sitting on his chair while two people from his team struggled with the goals. We’re a volunteer organization and everybody needs to contribute.”

“Oh dear. Why is it a bad idea to complain at the ref? I guess I need to give the long-form answer to that one. First, if a coach is complaining, they’ve taken some of their focus away from the match – they’re looking for opportunities to get my attention and trying to think up clever things to say. The parents hear the coach complain and then they start in, so it gets noisy and ugly along the touch line. The players hear their coaches and parents complaining and they think that it’s ok for them to complain too. That can get bad and lead to a yellow card for dissent. It also distracts them from the game. If a player is worrying about the last call, they aren’t paying attention to where the ball is now and in soccer, a moment’s inattention is all it takes for a goal to be scored, or missed. All of the yelling takes my attention off of the current play, too. If you’re unhappy that I missed a call, distracting me isn’t going to help – I’m going to miss more calls, not fewer.”

“Ok, that’s all we have time for – we need to get this match under way. Thanks for your attention. Just remember: Players play, coaches coach, fans cheer and we’ll all have fun. Coaches, if I could get your game cards and have your players line up over here…”